I'm Not Dying

I can remember as far back as 12 years ago feeling my heart flutter. If you feel my pulse when I get one of these flutters, it actually pauses for a moment. It's been a bit more noticeable in the last few weeks so I decided to finally get it checked out. Better late than never.

Apparently, I was born with a group of cells in my heart that throws in a premature heartbeat when my body is at rest. It's nothing that will affect me and it's not a sign of any problem. I'm just a genetic freak of nature, much like my dog.

My doctor wanted me to get a Holter Monitor for a few days so she could find out how many of these things I'm having. Upon entering in the cardiology exam room, I couldn't help but notice the strong smell of cigarette smoke radiating from the nurse. What a wonderful choice to have her helping patients with heart problems. It's like the equivalent of having my chubby butt working as a dietitian. Anyhoo...Smokey got me hooked up and informed me that I have to wear the monitor for 30 days. Oh great.
Every time I feel a flutter, I have to push a button and the monitor plays a melody after 40 seconds to let me know it's done recording. If one of the electrodes gets disconnected, it plays another melody. I'm wondering how I'm supposed to sit through church when it sounds like I'm playing Donkey Kong under my shirt.On top of that, one of the electrodes has to go right on my chest for the world to see. It's been almost 100 degrees for the past week so it's not like I can cover it with a sweater. I look like I'm seriously ill and should be dragging an oxygen tank behind me. I hope people don't think I'm going to keel over any minute. Maybe I'll get some sympathy points?

I don't know how accurate this monitor will be. Since my heart flutters when I'm at rest, many times it happens when I'm trying to fall asleep or when I'm trying to get Everett to sleep. There's no way I'm going to push that button and wake him up. What I can count accurately is the 274 times Everett has tried to rip the electrode off of my chest in the last 4 days.

Ugh. 26 Days to go. Until then, I'll just pretend it's the latest, coolest new ipod that's so advanced you don't even have to put the earphones in your ears. How cool am I now?