It's Official

We’re moving. The boxes are stacked and ready to be filled. The donation and trash piles have been started. I have less than a month to pack. I haven’t smiled much in the last couple days.I find that I keep explaining our situation even when it is not necessary. I can’t help it. I just don’t want people to think we got to this point because we were irresponsible. We planned everything so carefully. We bought a home with a responsible loan we could afford on Aaron’s income. We had no credit debt. All home improvements were paid with cash. In the five years we have been married we’ve only gone on 2 vacations. We worked very hard. We waited to have a family to be sure we could afford it.


All was right until I was about 2 months pregnant. The bottom fell out of the boating industry and the stable job Aaron had for 10 years was now questionable. He saw the writing on the wall and got his ducks in order to start his own business. He was hoping to continue working in the boating industry while learning his new trade, but when Everett was 2 months old Aaron lost his job. It’s hard to keep a job selling boats when there’s no one to sell boats to. For the last five months we’ve been hanging by a string trying to keep the business going and keep our household going. We’re finally at the breaking point and can’t hold on anymore. We can’t sell our house so we’re going to try to rent it out. Aaron’s parents have been gracious enough to let us live with them for a while. Aaron is going to keep plugging away at building his business - which is going great, but it’s just not enough fast enough. As for me, I have to go back to work full time at my old job to cover the bills and get us financially back to where we were before this whole disaster started.


I am an absolute mess. I’ve been bawling on and off much of the last two days. I’m not worried about the move. I could care less about the house. I’m worried about my baby boy. My son will not be with me during much of the day. In less than two weeks I have to find a babysitter. Someone who will be a complete stranger to him. I keep holding him close and apologizing over and over for failing him. I never wanted this for him.


Every mom has her own set of standards and measures of what being a successful mother means to her. At the top of my list was never to have my child in daycare. For me, it is just unimaginable. I’m the mom. It’s my job and my responsibility to be there for my kid every step of the way. How am I going to do that when I’m at work? I can’t. I can’t be the best mom I can be because I won’t be there.

I’m looking at about 9 months to a year of working before I can quit. In that time, most likely I’ll miss the first time he crawls, takes his first steps and says his first words. I’ll get to hear about it over the phone, or maybe in a blurb of a conversation while the "substitute mother" and I are going over next weeks’ schedule. It feels like my heart has been ripped out. I’m so sad. I can’t believe this is happening. For me, it’s a nightmare.

Aaron says I need to change my attitude about going back to work. He’s wondering if I found a rewarding, challenging and fun career with the right benefits that perhaps I wouldn’t be so disgruntled and would maybe enjoy going back to work. Sorry to dash your hopes darling, but even if I got paid to vacation in Hawaii I would still be miserable and wouldn’t want the job if it meant my son had to go to daycare. For me, the rewarding, challenging, fun career with the right benefits is being a mom. I’m not a career girl. Never wanted to be. I like the title wife and mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that we have the opportunity to dig ourselves out of this financial hole. I am grateful that I have a job available when so many don’t. I’ve been asking for the right answer but I just don’t know. I’m no spiritual giant, a lot of times when the answer is in front of me, I just don't get it. I hope I’m not like the guy who perished in a flood and when he reached heaven he asked God why his live wasn’t spared, and God answered, "Well, I sent a fire engine, boat and helicopter - what more did you want?" I don’t want to reject the help that is in front of me, I just wish Everett didn’t have to be the one to pay the price. He didn’t do anything to deserve this. I can’t explain to him or help him understand. All he will know is that mom isn’t there.

Oh, Everett I’m so sorry. I hope this will all be over soon.